No! Can this be? I am 18? I still think of myself as 16! 18 sounds too old. It's as though someone increased the difficulty level of this game without me noticing it. Although it is true that I have learned a fair bit over the last two years, and an objective analysis of it shows that I am a rather different person, I do not intuitively comprehend this. I have changed, slowly but surely, and yet I still feel that I am me. So what is this immutable me-ness? Strange.

Life in NJ has become far duller, especially after You Jie left. He characterized the NJ experience, to me at least. The times we spent doing research together, studying for the Olympiads together, discussing philosophy together - I shall always remember. In many ways, we were very alike, and yet somehow different. I grew much with him, and I have hardly missed a friend more than this.

Speaking of good friends, I was reading through the SMS chat history with an one such friend when she messaged me and wished me a happy birthday. I used to message her pretty often, but it sort of died down lately. Though I have a loner streak, those conversations eased the occasional bouts of loneliness.

Have I grown wiser with age? More perceptive? Maybe, in some areas. Research for instance, and perhaps philosophy. And yet, in all things social, I think I am still as great a fool as I always was. It certainly does feel better than before, but I think the difference is that I am more brazen, as opposed to being more skilful. That results in the good parts being better and the bad parts being worse. For instance, I recently misjudged the seriousness of an issue over msn, and ended up embarrassing myself greatly (and generating a large awkwardness field). I felt like burying myself in the sand and letting the waves wash over me.

That, in short, summarizes the fast bit of my last trip to East Coast Park. Nonetheless, it was on the whole a great trip. I went further than I ever went before. Much further. I never knew I could go that far, I never knew I had the endurance or the daring. It seems that there is much more to me. Just as I discovered years ago that I was not a neighbourhood-school student at heart, I now realise that I like cake. Well, I've always liked cake, but what I meant to say was that I can do much more, and that I am nowhere near my potential. If I can spend four and a half hours rollerblading in the sun and keeping up with bicycles then I should be able to study for at least twice that length with full concentration. If I stopped wasting so much time on silly things, and studied as zealously as I criticise my time-wasting, perhaps I would be closer to a far higher person. Introspecting alone can be helpful, but quite a few of my important epiphanies are had while in great company.

By studying I don't just mean schoolwork. Of course, it includes schoolwork, which is a necessary part of the plan to become a researcher, but what I truly enjoy is all the lovely stuff in the world. I have begun to read Sherlock Holmes again, having downloaded some of his ebooks into my new phone. The style is quite refreshing, the plot intriguing, and the description of characters pleasantly detailed and lifelike. I never really understood those stories as a child, but now I find that I am able to do so quite well. The feeling of having improved is quite sublime. And lately, I have been reading about the works of a greater variety of philosophers (those not mentioned in Sophie's World, which I read a good four years back). And I think that has led to my more dialectic approach to essays these days. Post-modernism is rather infectious (long live the little narratives!).

And many thanks to Luna for that tasty cake!

I longed to teach the world
Rise up and reach the world
No one would listen
I alone could hear the music - Erik, Phantom of the Opera


posted by Hongjie at 12:18 AM

posted by Hongjie at 10:40 PM

posted by Hongjie at 10:36 PM

It has been awhile since I last blogged. I would like to attribute this to a very busy schedule, but I do not have such a luxury. Fact is, I have been down with terrible migraines lately. They are more than mere headaches, coming with a panoply of strange symptons (like nausea and little bouncy white lights). In a nutshell, I was reduced to a state so pathetic that my drying intellect was insufficient for simple homework. Thankfully, I guess the medication and lifestyle changes are beginning to work. It was rather difficult to start sleeping earlier, especially with undone work. I kept jumping out of bed to hammer out a tutorial, and realise that I could hardly read the question, or hold thoughts in my head long enough to actually deduce something. Anyway, it was madly disturbing, not being able to do work that is. I thus tried to amuse myself with the numerous nonsensical Facebook quizzes in order to relax (and hopefully chase my migraine away) - it did not work either. Turns out that the best way to solve migraines is to lie in bed and think of the Lord of the Rings, sleep comes easily and starts of with better dreams this way.

Unfortunately, I dream more than a few times every time I dozed off, the dreams usually getting progressively madder and more surreal. Like treating my friends to instant noodles in a restaurant, being killed by a classmate who I used to hold in high esteem, and thinking of a certain person incessantly throughout the course of an otherwise prosaic dream. More than once I woke up with a jolt, my heart pounding frantically. Not so much out of fear, but out of shock. These dreams are too vivid (not to mention bad for resting).

It's been quite a few months already. It was still controllable during the SSEF and perhaps A*TS, but by the award ceremony, it was quite unendurable. Speaking of A*TS, to my disappointment, I did not manage to go further than a commendation. In the area which I have the greatest skill and pride in, I have truly met my match. I did enjoy myself greatly, however. Like before the first interview, Nicholas and I had a horrendous game of pool. Billiard balls underwent barrier tunneling (bouncing off the table) and whenever we could never get both the position and the momentum of the balls right.

Nonetheless, when they announced the first through third awards for A*TS during the award ceremony, I was crushed. It is difficult to explain this, but the pain came not so much from knowing that others were better than me, rather, because I was not better than others (somehow it is non-commutative). As much as I appreciate the goodwill, I have always felt uncomfortable when I am told that "I did my best already, I should be content" or "Life is not just about such things, being happy is the most important". Being at one's best means that there is no room for improvement, no hope for a comeback, no need to strive harder. Not only does it mean my cranial capacity is very limited, but it is also a very dangerous view to hold, for it corrodes the will to succeed and hence the chance of success, a virus-like self-fulfilling prophecy. With respect to the latter, I would point out that happiness is the fulfillment of our goals, that phrase, interpreted literally, is oxymoronic in the great scheme of my life. However, what most people interpret happiness as is surrendering to the tides of fate and the mindless propagation of genetic material. Repulsive.

Anyway, right after the ceremony, I had another migraine. My willpower had everything but will and power. I had no mood to present, no wish to speak of research; I wanted to sit down, drink some fruit punch, and rest. In the end, did none of those (well, I only drank the fruit punch), deciding that it would be bad style to abandon my poster. Besides, in all things related to my research, I always seem to be able to tap into a deep strength within me, a vast underground sea of vitality in a chamber of my heart. It delivered me from those days of despair and sleeplessness, and it was there for me again. I presented, albeit I was less than satisfactory at times. With the numerous refreshing encounters, I slowly felt life flowing through me again. My true calling, how could I not be resurrected?

These stumbles along the way I shall remember, the anguish and grief shall fuel the great machine of my ambition, the rapture of research my goal. From these stumbles I emerge smiling, for they have always shown me something worth fighting for. You offer me a heaven where there is only bliss? Take it back! Destroy that abomination! I choose this world, and this world is all there is, all that I need! This is the way to live! To fight this eternal war, with many battles lost and some won at great price, to feel disappointment and satisfaction and to relish in both. For with no intensity of emotions there is no driving force, all beauty and meaning shall become amorphous and putrid.

But all these is just a great cosmic joke! Surely our lives do not matter at all. Even in the course of human history, where is our place? So many have came before us and so many after, their joy and their sorrow many times greater. Yet does it matter? All our feelings are normalised to our own experiences; we cannot take off these rose tinted glasses. Only our lives, and perhaps the lives of those closest to us truly matter. Acknowledge, embrace, and rejoice!

At the end of this life-stage, I am glad that I have made it so far. Still, it is far too slow and too little. So much pride I have placed in my will and my intelligence! It has brought me hither, but still, I cannot help but be frustrated, and even my joys may be tainted by a sense of incompletion and undeservedness. For I have faltered so often, and even when I have achieved some semblence of victory, I cannot yet wholly claim credit for myself, for much is still left to chance.

The flowing river of research has brought my mind's barge through many strange lands, meeting people who have inspired me to go on. Most of them do not realise it, methinks. Still, I am grateful to those who have reminded of the true meaning of research and thus conjuring the unadultered delight derived from it.

posted by Hongjie at 10:01 PM

The dawn of last year was characterised with many applications, high hopes, and nervous anticipation. In AJC, the application for KI was a nerve wrecking process, and surviving those debating competitions brought about a new confidence in me. I made many good friends too. Just before the 'O' Level results were released, I was almost resigned to continuing my JC life there. In a seemingly miraculous twist of events, my pessimism was for naught - I managed to get decent grades, and I was one of the last to know about it! Still, the decision to pursue my dreams and go to NJC was a heart-wrenching one. I spent the last month in AJC cherishing every moment I had left, and yet restlessly anticipating the sea of possibilities which awaited me in NJC.

After the lacklustre orientation in NJC, I realised that these possibilities included things like uncomfortably warm fireproof uniform and kinky red PE shorts. On the bright side, the side which mattered, I attended numerous briefings and selection tests. There were all these wonderful opportunities to pursue my interests, opportunities which I could only dream of in my secondary school days. Opportunities which I hitherto could not even conceive. If only I could get into any one of them, I thought. Those hopeful and painful days! But they paid off. I got into everything I applied for.

I spend the next few months grappling with fascinating new concepts, stepping into a richer and more complex world. Before long, I reached the noontide of my growth. With the full time attachment to IMRE in June, my proficiency in experimental physics rose rapidly, and I had a great time fooling around during those teabreaks. The end of June attachment and my trip to Canada marked the slowing down of progress. Too pleased I was with what I had, and for three months I lead a life of indulgence and decadence. Too weak and soft, too intellectually maimed I was to extricate myself from it. It blew over, thankfully. But it was too late for my Physics Olympiad, and only by studying frantically with You Jie, Chen Yu, and Ber Fong did I manage to save my Chemistry Olympiad somewhat.

I devoted my being to research, stumbling on. Whereas the June holidays were mainly spent to familiarise myself with the equipment and past work, the December holidays was filled with figuring out new phenomena and trying to get our new equipment to work. The night before New Year, we finally finished our measurements. The next few weeks were spent writing my report and after which, drafting my poster. So many hours of sleep and pages of tutorials I sacrificed to engage in my cherished endeavour. It was hell and yet not hell. The period outlined in this paragraph was one of the most desperate times of my life, comparable in magnitude only with the months before the 'O' levels, though of an entirely different flavour. It is one thing to study what is already set in stone and another to sail unexplored waters, acquiring findings to inscribe into the annals of knowledge.

Alright, time for me to stop recounting the past like an obnoxious decrepit old man. Onto more light-hearted affairs. Just like the other OSAP students, I went down to Raffles last month. It was this obligatory share-your-experience-with-prospective-applicants thing. After a brief visit to Anderson, I met Joel and we made our way there together. So anyway, we were looking around for this certain LT. Which we could not find. Being sensible people, we decided to ask the locals. This Rafflesian guy pointed in a direction which seemed entirely wrong, even to clueless brats like us. An awkward pause. Then this awfully nice female chided him and gave us correct information. Life is amusing.

The ISSYP and RSI students decided to have dinner after the session. Those of us who were still alive decided to catch Benjamin Buttons. I felt really awkward throughout the show, because I could not help but (wrongly) feel that there were strong paedophile overtones. 3 hours and Elaine having twenty-ish missed calls later, we stumbled out of the theatre, still bemused by that abstract, surreal show. While waiting for our parents, Nicholas made a quip about how Valentine's Day (which was only an hour away) was Single's Awareness Day (SAD) for people like him and Hao Yi. I laughed, deciding that I was happy having a SAD this year rather than prolonging that infection.

OSAP aside, the Singapore Science and Engineering Fair (kind of like a research Olympiad) was held last week. My booth was in this desolate corner (not as desolate as poor Hao Yi’s, though) right next to a makeshift metal pillar which held up the official SSEF banner. I spent most of my time chatting with the friendly spintronics Raffles guy (Darren) next to me, commenting on diverse subjects from the boringly repetitive nature of vectors in H2 mathematics to Nicholas' feat of having 3 projects in SSEF (not to mention his understanding of quantum).

So anyway, on judging day (Wednesday), I walked out of the exhibition hall to get something to eat. Darren was away from the booth as well. When I returned, my chair disappeared. The next time we were both not at our booth, his chair disappeared. We later observed that this Hwa Chong group has way more than the allocated one chair per booth. Since chairs cannot be created or destroyed, only transferred from one booth to another, we had a nagging suspicion about where our chairs went. The next day, I came early and took the chairs back, tying my chair to the ugly and obstructive metal pillar. Looks like some nasty things still have their uses.

Back to judging day. The judges could come anytime from 8 am to 5 pm. Most of the people I knew had at least one judge in the morning. Darren, for instance, was visited not long after the fair started. That judge, being very friendly, later came back to talk to us about the various happenings in Physics. It was fun. Then again, so are most things Physics.

The hours ticked by. With my chair stolen and after being drained by practicing my presentation with various friends numerous times, I sat on the floor, against the wall. I fell asleep. I cannot remember how I woke up. What I do remember is that when I opened my eyes groggily, I saw this person inspecting my poster. He was not wearing a blazer. He looked serious. He was a judge. I stood up hastily, and started presenting while trying to regain my sense of balance. He stopped me to ask a question. I answered it, and continued. He stopped me again. And again. I grew panicky. Was I doing something wrongly? Soon, I realised. His style was to ask me questions directly, instead of waiting for me to present everything first. An efficient method.

I was doing pretty well, I felt. Straight after I explained to him the principles of VSM, he asked me 'What is Faraday's Law of Electromagnetic Induction?' (I mentioned it in my explanation). I stopped for a moment. It took me awhile to process that question and scan it for tricks. Which I could not find. I blurted the definition, which had been by my side ever since the 'O' level days. He looked pleased. I breathed a mental sigh of relief. Looking back, I kind of like his style of judging, saving time, asking disarming questions, and probing the poor presenter's foundations of physics. Positively brilliant. I think I shall adopt it.

It ended off on a rather decent note. He went on to judge Fang Hui, who was rather near my booth. After he finished, I could not resist asking her about his style, allaying my fears that his questions at the start of my presentation were because I was incoherent, unclear, or just a bad speaker.

Within an hour, the next two judges came and went. By then, I was already warmed up and not very asleep when they came. I spoke, I gestured, I laughed and was merry. It all seemed very natural. At the end of it, I felt hyperactive. I had this churning sensation in my chest; I did not impress the judges, I feared. I did not mess up, but I was hardly smashing. I guess it was nervous energy I was feeling. I went for dinner with Ber Fong and Chen Yu to cool off. Well, there were supposed to be more people, but they all mysteriously disappeared. So anyway, we agreed that if anyone gets gold, he must treat the other two people to a meal. Somehow, this agreement acted as some sort of insurance, making me feel better. At least I would not be left with nothing if I did not win anything, I reasoned.

The next day, I flitted from booth to booth, savouring the wonders of science. Joseph and I listened to this eloquent presentation on the Chikungunya virus (pardon the ambiguity and lack of technical terms, my biology processing card is horribly un-updated). Yet I managed to understand it pretty well. I credit it to their good presentation. Later on, Elvin displayed overt fascination with this group’s new interactive toy for kids (either that or he was fascinated by the group members. I can never tell). I, for one, was certainly fascinated by the toy. Back in PA (Physics & Astronomy) Si Kai’s cosmology project was mind blowing, one would hardly think it possible to be able to merely grapple with the mathematics required at this age. I wanted to listen to Jia Wei’s RSI project, but somehow, I never got down to it. Must remember to ask him to explain it to me one day.

After an excrutiatingly long period of time, they began to walk around and cards with the type of award written on it onto the winner’s booths. Merit went round, and soon bronze. By the time it reached silver, I was getting very nervous. Silver went by and still I had nothing. I was literally jumping about. It was either gold or nothing. They started giving out the gold awards, and I grew more and more dejected with every cheer, for it meant a smaller and smaller chance of me winning something (alright, I guess this is bad probabilistic reasoning here. But when overly nervous my mind stops being rational). They walked close to my booth, looking for a moment at this project. I tensed up. They moved onto my booth. They stopped. Then they asked ‘are you from PA29?’ My knees went weak. As Zhang Kang later put it, I finally won my gold.

posted by Hongjie at 1:02 AM

PE lessons have finally started again. I had a long term MC last year, and I did not have the discipline to do some rigorous exercise during the holidays. All in all, it feels weird to be exercising again. I think I am fitter than I was before (that is still not the least bit fit), which is good news. I also think that the more I exercise, the shorter my temper and attention span, which is not so good news. Not only that, I feel like shredding things to pieces, arguing for its own sake, and having blood (not my own) flowing down the numerous staircases of NJ.

Sadly, I shall have to settle with computer games, shooting virtual bullets and swinging virtual swords at virtual enemies, which is really not quite as fun. The game makers missed too many details. The people do not scream when they are wounded, and even if they do, it is the same generic scream. There should be a wider variety of scream flavours, amidst other things. Like people helplessly limping away in terror, falling on their knees to beg for mercy, and trying to climb over walls which are obviously too high. Then perhaps I shall toy with them, pretending to let them go for awhile and then stabbing them in the back. Or perhaps cutting off random limbs one by one.


My eyes hurt. There seems to be a great pain deep within them. Bothersome. My mind is in a mess. The occasional spark of insight drowning into the murky depths of disjointed, incoherent thought. I seem to be on auto-pilot most of the time, every action every word a frail shadow of my will, with scarcely a sense of purpose or a hint of depth. But this is not the end. I who have glimpsed greatness will never be content with this pathetic state of mediocrity.

posted by Hongjie at 9:24 PM

I have been decaying over the last few months, rather, for the most part of this year. Reading through my previous posts, I feel quite disgusted. A good number of them had a large part of hollow rhetoric; I stagnated and was merely going in circles, trying to regain the strength I had in the days of old. Whereas in the past I had various reasons to feel angry nearly everyday and hence keep me in sight of my goal, I have been living too sedentary a life lately, never challenging myself enough and seldom sparring with others.
"Why so hard?" the kitchen coal once said to the diamond. "After all, are we not close kin?"

posted by Hongjie at 10:36 PM